Back in the driving seat

Its quite miraculous what a bit of time away from the kids, a mojito (spelling?!) and a bit of dancing can do for the soul and for marriage too.

The disappearance of anger gained from minor disagreements faded away which gave me a sense of, well, hope I suppose. It is important for me to know that the person I think I have become is actually only an outcome of a long line of processes rather than me just choosing to become a bit of a ratty, haggard nearly 40 year old.  As if ANYONE would choose that!

I have finished the HappinessProject book and I have decided to make a giant leap forward in organising all my photos on this computer whilst holidying in Normandy this year. Oh god, just saw a typo I am not changing.  Holidying. Freudian slip there.  I won't be dying, I'll be daying!!! Normally, I only ever really achieve irritation, constipation and a bit of drunkenness for icing. This year I will have smaller goals. These will be:

1. When I have time to myself, stare into space or read a book.

2. Use evenings to clear photos on my computer and organise them well.

3. Enjoy watching my children play, eat sand, celebrate a birthday and create chaos.

4. Try not to puke on the ferry.

5. Be nice and be grateful.

I also wrote my gran a letter. Here it is....

9^th August 2011

Dear Gran,

            I have had an idea. Some time ago, it could have been earlier this year or even last year, we were talking about something or other and you started telling a story about working in the WREN’s, you mentioned a bomb siren going off on the island and you told me about the bells ringing on your wedding day. Since then I have been wanting to ask you whether you might like to help me to make a record of your life, all the stories you can remember, how it has been to grow up in twentieth century, everything really.

I think it will be fascinating to look back on your life and learn about people and places and events that have shaped who you are. I will learn so much more about you and it will be a wonderful thing to share with Aimee and Alice as they get older and want to understand more about their family. Maybe it could also be something you would want to share with the rest of the family too?

 I have thought about how we might organise it, starting with your childhood, going through your teenage years, relationships with family and friends, education and interests.

Then we could talk about adulthood, your family, what life was like for you in your twenties and thirties, the work that you did, your hobbies, your marriage and your children.

There is so much we could cover, your hopes and aspirations, periods of life that were challenging and enjoyable, turning points in your life and advice that you would give.

I would really like to do it Gran! Would you?

I thought we could make a start when I get back from France. I could come over each week and record us chatting so that I can then type it up. I could come in the evening once Ian is back from work or we could arrange to do it in the afternoon once Aimee has started school.  Each week I could give you a typed version of what we spoke about the week before, for you to read and maybe add bits to, and also I could give you the following weeks ‘topics’ as homework! It would give you a chance to think about them and if you wanted to, route about for photos or keepsakes from that time.

The list of topics that we could talk about is endless really.  I expect that some areas may be difficult or perhaps upsetting, but mostly I just want it to be a fun way for you to remember the different times in your life.

I also think we should keep it secret. It could make a great Xmas present to all your grandchildren or children, but more importantly making it secret makes it more fun!!  I will give you a ring at the end of the week to see what you think!

Please say yes!

Lots of Love

So, assuming you may be willing(?!) .........we could start with your childhood.

v  When and where were you born?

v  What were your first childhood memories?

v  Who looked after you and what were they like. Did everyone get on well?

v  Who else was in your family?

v  Where did you all live as you were growing up?

v  Can you describe your house, your bedroom, your garden?

v  What clothes did you wear, did you have a favourite toy or book, what games did you play?

v  What do you remember about when you were young? What was life like?

I await a response!!

x

A steady descent.

I wasn't expecting such a quick descent. I didn't have a bad day, just a slow day, with lots of unnecessary feelings of irritation or anger. I think I would consider myself lucky to have my mum live in the same area, especially because a little help with the kids goes a long way...or so I think.

I have some unresolved areas of tension with my mum.  I don't really want to open that treacle jar right now, but I easily become quite irritated with her 'ways'.

So what happens when Ian gets home?  I make a smart comment because he comes in, leaves his bike leaning against the fridge and freezer door, opens another fridge, pours himself a glass of wine and says 'Yum, dinner', fills his plate to excess and sits at the table to eat.

My body fills with the excess tension from a day biting my tongue and then fills with just enough more, which everyone knows, equals a smart comment.

And WOW, it surprises me how quickly Ian snaps back.

I am so disappointed because i think I have been making great strides in the being reasonable stakes and here comes the poor me bit, Ian hasn't noticed. Straight away I need recognition, and its been two days, and Ive been really nice and its been a huge HUGE effort, and I have not been acknowledged.  Before I know it I am telling him this, like he should be so very grateful (he should) and that by not noticing any of the efforts I have made, it asserts my view that he doesn't appreciate me enough.

And that's the crux of it.  And I am annoyed.

I tidied up the house with anger, not pleasure, and it spoilt my day.

I will learn.

x

I've started so I'll finish.

I am reading The Happiness Project at the moment. Its a brilliant book that I, of course, could have and should have written myself. What I like most at the moment (I am on page 99 of 301) is the 1 minute rule and the evening tidy up.  I agree with my friend Gretchen here when she says that clutter and mess destroys the soul.  It destroys my soul.  There is nothing worse than coming downstairs to find a baby bottle with curdled milk in it, plates on the side with dried up dinner on and a general feeling of halls of residence.

I know I said in my last post that what makes me happy is what I enjoyed in my youth, in fact I am listening to 'What difference does it make' by The Smiths right now, but my youthful times in the halls of residence kitchen was not one of them. So I have started introducing the evening tidy up and the 1 minute rule.

Evening tidy up. Straight away I need to say that my resistance level is supersonic.  Its a battle that I have won twice, last night and the night before so I can say that I have achieved my goals to date but it makes me feel slightly agitated and annoyed.  What I recognize is that I like the house to be tidy.  I visit other peoples homes and they have this kind of couture mess and I admire it.  I like random frayed photos hanging around, I love the old blanket slung on the back of the sofa look, I enjoy seeing books half read, papers opened on a table, children's paints out but it never seems to look that good in my own home. I just see it as another job.

Every evening after getting the girls to bed I clear up. I do it because it makes me feel better. Call it control freak, call me uptight, but right now, when my day is all about stuff everywhere, there is a moment in my evening when it is adult time, toys are put aside, smushed banana in the carpet is cleared up, little peoples shoes are put away and the washing machine is not going.  Its satisfying.

1 minute rule. For me this rule has given me quite a realisation of who it actually is that puts things off ALL THE TIME.  For example. I see the water cups on our bedside table and I think, I'll take them downstairs later, or I pick them up and leave them on the dining room table and think, I'll wash them later. Either way, the actual task of picking them up, taking them to the kitchen, slinging them in the dishwasher or , heaven forbid, actually manually washing them up, would take a moment, a minute, in fact. So every time I see a job I think to myself, how long would that take? And if its about a minute, I just do it. I get a letter for Alice to have an appointment at the doctors. Old me would put it on a pile with all the other letters and blurb, then I would write a to do list to include calling the doctor, then I would lose the bit of paper, then I would reorganise all my paperwork and find it again, then I would call the doctor, put a tick in the to do list box that I had neatly drawn next to it, and it would be done.  This time I just called the doctors, made an appointment and wrote it on the calender.

Why do I make my life more difficult than it should be?

More importantly, why am I always writing to do lists?  Is it because I don't have a job?  I am a mum at home.  I write to do lists.  I am therefore legitimising all my daily actions by weighting them down in a list, anchoring them with a box and rewarding myself with a tick.

Kate, get a grip.

x

Another two for the list

20. Be nice and surprise someone.
21. Make chores funny

Today I cleared the car and picked up the rotting bags of old garden rubbish and wrapped them in bags, stuffed the car full of this wretched stinking natural stuff and drove to the recycling centre.  I then proceeded to empty said stinking bags onto the open compost heap and by some gross mishap, over my left Birkenstock. Ian was so surprised that I had completed a job that I have in some way always assigned to him, and actually it was quite satisfying to see how chuffed he was that he didn't have to do it. That was my surprise.

Be nice. This is tough for me.  I am naturally sarcastic and cutting and annoying and well, probably hell to live with, but I decided to try and be nice to Ian.  You know, no nagging, no sighing or huffing or anything and most of all, no text asking when he will be coming home.  That was tough, but I did it.  I was NICE!

But what chore did you make funny I hear you ask?
I hate cutting my daughters toenails, she always complains, often crying, often running away and I lose my rag with her EVERY time.  Today I said "Aimee I would like to cut your toenails but I am worried that when I cut your nails the bit of stinky nail will be flicked into my mouth.  Yuck. I'm not sure I want to" She virtually flung herself at me to have her nails cut and I faked bits going in my mouth. We actually had fun.

That's all for tonight.

x

william, it was really nothing

It dawned on me today that what makes me feel young and alive in my life (and therefore happier) is to remember what I liked doing when I was younger. OK, so I am not going to start going to nightclubs quite yet, but I can listen to music I used to love.  I was listening to the radio today and The Smiths came on (you can always rely on Mr Vine for some Smiths or Bowie and it took me back.  Back to a place where I was just me, not someones wife or mother, just me.

                                                I loved Morrissey. I can still love Morrissey.

I also realised that probably the very first part of this getting happy ordeal is to acknowledge that it is my family and friends that are most important to me. I have to rectify some relationships within my family and in my found family through Ian.  I also need to know that I can't be perfect and I can't fix everything. 

So, I am adding to my list

18. Grans Good Old Days

19. A letter from my heart

These are just titles I know, but as I've said before....work in progress.

x